Your Body Remembers


“Our body is more in our consciousness, than our consciousness is in our body”

It started with a ritual.

My husband and I were trying to conceive. Still are. I have conceived and delivered a healthy baby already, but a lot changes in your body after 13 years. I did it all: diet, reading, timing my cycle, all to no avail. As a proud witchy woman, the next obvious step was to get the ancestors involved. I gathered my tools, timed the moon, and grabbed my willing, but inexperienced husband. I told him, “This can only work if you truly believe that they’re going to help us, and that you trust them.” He took his time to center himself and with that, we moved forward. We tended to the alter every morning and when it was all said and done, took the remains and buried them so that my womb could grow. That night, I dreamt of bleeding hearts growing over the site. They must want bleeding hearts as an offering!

Since I started my period at 14, I have been hospitalized periodically for severe pain in my abdomen accompanied by sweating, fever, vomiting and nausea. No matter when or where I am treated, everyone has a different idea. Over the past 20 years I have been diagnosed with ovarian cysts, kidney infections, hernias, fluid in my fallopian tubes, GI Issues, but no one is ever 100% sure. I decided back in February that once and for all I’m going to go down this path of figuring out what’s going on before it happens again. My first step was to my family doctor who said, “You’re just menstruating. I’ve had 5 kids.” It felt like another brick wall. The pain was too real, but the catalyst was too elusive. I told my husband time after time that I thought it had to be something spiritual, but if that were the case, what could it be?

Over the years I have struggled with my relationship with my biological mother. I was given up at birth to my grandmother who was the most consistent and closest thing to a mother I ever had. Over my childhood I was kidnapped, taken to different states & countries spending years away from my mother and grandmother. My stepmother was abusive and I constantly cried yearning for my mom. Any mom, really. Each time our relationship has been bridged, I had to make the first move. Our story is tragic, filled with abuse, neglect, sadness, separation, uncertainty and apathy.

Time after time in my adult life, I tried to forgive her. I tried to understand her story, and in my very Libra way, see things from her perspective. I refused to be a victim, so I tried to see my transgressions in the story to make sure that I am being accountable and showing up. Maybe I come off too cold and I should try to be more vulnerable. Maybe I was a jerk when I was 12 and I should be nicer. Maybe I’m a reminder of the abusive relationship with my father. Maybe I’m  not considering her own abuse. Maybe it was me.

Last year felt like wrestling an alligator of a relationship with my mother. Weeks before my wedding in 2018, the back and forth and inconsistency in our relationship was just as exhausting and the instability of my childhood. At the advice of my grandmother, I had to let her go. I told her that I couldn’t do this anymore, disinvited her, and very clearly ended our relationship. I was crushed, but it had to happen.

In the midst of trying to create, I still struggled with my own story of creation. I was receiving acupuncture hoping to get some sort of relief or answer from the treatment. Every time I received treatment, a small intuitive breakthrough would happen. One night as I was laying on my couch I heard, “Gallbladder.” So, I looked up the significance of the gallbladder in Chinese medicine and immediately texted my acupuncturist who replied that she always works on that meridian when I’m in. In Chinese medicine, the gallbladder’s emotion is anger. This is where your ability to process lies. Frustration, resentment, experiencing unusual levels of stress can cause the excess of anger- irritability. Here it was!! i was finally getting somewhere! The pain is in my gallbladder! Alongside this holistic healing, I kept running into brick walls when it came to medical treatment. I finally asked a friend who is a nurse for some advice and she pointed me in the direction of my new doctor. I was on my way!

At my next visit to Dr. Susanna, I asked why I was tearing up on her table. We talked about an ancestral, or creation meridian and she explain that sometimes people feel a release, so I may feel weepy. That night I had a not so great interaction with someone I knew. It was a petty power-play, which normally wouldn’t bother me, but I felt more effected by it this time. At the end of the night, back to my friend’s house, our conversation somehow landed on how often the competitive spirit rears it’s head at me and how it really hurts my feelings. I started to spill how I feel like I always seem tough and so it’s easy to assume I’m unbothered, but that’s a character people presume is me and its not. My friend gave me a hug and said, “I’m so sorry, but I love you and I think you’re wonderful.” I was so weepy and sensitive. What was happening to me?

That morning when I awoke, I was still super weepy. I thought of the bleeding hearts again. I looked up their spiritual properties and what I found was that they represent the rejection of love, abandonment, the tears of a broken heart. Aha! They didn’t want the bleeding hearts. The blockage and connection was my own hurt/emotional blockage between my mother and I, and the inability to conceive! Why did it take me so long to get that?

On my way home, on a super busy highway, I was feeling good. I felt like super sensitive me from the night before was the most me I had ever been in front of someone else other than my husband. The conversation clicked while I was driving.

I have an odd reoccurring pattern of women that I become very close to, but each time they end up seeing me as some form of competition and it breaks my heart. It hurts that someone would ever see me as a threat, the betrayal is devastating, and I can never seem to get anything genuine out of the relationship once this moment kicks in. Each time I’ve had to end that friendship. In that moment, I realized, it is a weird manifestation of the relationship with my mother. I was finally getting somewhere. But no matter how loud I sang along to Buena Vista Social Club, I could feel it creeping. Panic. My heart pounded but I was on a very busy, very crowded highway. I started to cry, my hands started tensing, I couldn’t feel my lips. I called my husband who was an hour away begging him to keep talking to me as I tried to get off the highway. This is it, I thought, this is how I die.

If there is anything I have learned from severe panic attacks, is to A) call someone you trust and B) WATER. As soon as I found a place to park that wasn’t in the center of anything, I called my best friend. I cried and cried, scared that I would pass out, scared for my life, scared that I had no idea what was going on. He asked me what prompted this and since I didn’t seem to know, I walked him thru the previous night.

I told him how hurt I was when the girl was trying to alpha me out of the group. All I have ever done was be nice to her. I was so confused. Then as fast as my heart was pounding and as fast as the tears were streaming I cried, “I don’t want to reject or act indifferent to anyone anymore! I know I do it because I’m so afraid of rejection but that’s not helping anyone, and it’s mean, and it hurts! I don’t want to live like that! I want to live in love. I want to be nice. I don’t want to do this thing anymore. I understand now! I do it out of fear, but I’m done. I just want to love!” This all came out during one of the scariest ugly cries I have ever done in my life, but man…there it was. I felt so much relief!

Rejection begets rejection. Your relationships are always a reflection of your relationship of self. I’ve always been social, but have a hard time becoming close to people. What I picked up in childhood is that everyone I’ve ever loved eventually leaves me, and for some reason, in every relationship with a woman, there’s an underlying insecurity that I’m not good enough and that they might not fully accept me. It’s like I’m watching from the outside in. But everything cycles around you like a shark until you can find yourself through the panic and look the shark in the eye. It was one of the most terrifying experiences in my life, so much so, that I was terrified to drive for a month. But I felt so much relief. I felt like I was getting somewhere. Oh, the night this all happened, it was a full moon.

That same friend I called was shortly there after diagnosed with cancer. Out of honor to him, I finally decided to see a therapist which was his request. I found Dr. Karen who is just the right amount of woo meets clinical therapy.  I knew now that there was a lot of ancestral trauma moving through me and it needed to stop with me. I can’t live in fear or hurt, and I definitely don’t want to pass this down to my son or any potential children. Each time I meet with Dr. Karen, I feel a sense of WHOA! In the first session, she pointed out that there is a lot of trauma in both sides of my family and that I am very strong. Something I never stop to think about. Actually, while I’m at it, I realized, I never really tell my story to anyone. We addressed my anxiety, to which I realized, the anxiety is not mine. I’m growing, but that lineage has not. That lineage is comfortable in the drama and chaos filled world it lives in. It’s not ready to change but I am.

I’m very big on being aware of synchronicities, symbols, and I’m a lucid dreamer. Throughout the next couple of months things were popping up for me at a rate that I’ve never experienced before.  Dreams were vivid, direct, and synchronicities were obvious. As I dug in deeper to learn about my roots, the more things seemed to show. I kept reading and hearing other healers, shamans, and witches speak on how it’s important to know where you’re from, especially in magic. The more you open these portals, the more wisdom can flow. Ancestral witchcraft is something I was always taught to hide. It’s strong and typically secretive to ensure the protection of its people and tradition. But as I got deeper, I was drawn to things and had visions and knowings that would get confirmed later by DNA tests, researching maiden names, speaking with my grandmother, and connecting the dots. I learned that I am not Greek, that my family has deep roots in Romania (via The Roma People aka Gypsies), of Yoruba (explains why I feel so connected to Hoodoo), Sicily, and Scotland.

The more I dug, the stronger my energy work became, the stronger my sight became, the more connected I felt, the more open I felt. The ancestors implored that I start writing. They told me how to do rituals, they told me what was wrong with my body and what to eat to fix it. Butterflies followed me everywhere. The closer I got in my spiritual work, the closer I got to answers in my health. After speaking to my grandmother, I learned that she, too, did not have a good relationship with her mother and was raised by her grandmother who was Scottish and a rootworker. I started to notice the cycles in our family: head trauma, womb trauma, rejection, poverty. 

There was a huge sync where I had an acupuncture session where I mentioned my lower back was hurting and Susanna worked on my kidneys. I left her office rushing to get to a yoga class at a studio I had never been to but was told I needed to go. The teacher started with, “Today we’ll be working on your lower back, your kidneys, where memories are stored.” Touché Universe! That Universal interaction was one of the strongest I’ve ever had and a path I am currently walking, but we’ll save that story for another time.

 During one of my never ending ultra sound appointments, my husband ran into an old co-worker he worked with in Philadelphia. He had no idea this man was in Lancaster. The man was there delivering his second baby. He told Steve that before their first, it seemed hopeless. It wasn't until they went to the practice we were at that things changed. He came back to tell me later saying, "That has to mean something special, right?"

My first week at yoga teacher training at the studio I was drawn to, I had 2 extremely prolific dreams. At the end of one of them I crossed The Golden Gate Bridge, but via the top ropes. Once I did that I said to myself, “I did it! I can go on to the next now!” Then was immediately thrown on this rollercoaster of a bridge through the cosmos with planets and stars flying past me and a velocity I have only seen in movies. I felt this insane feeling in my chest that was so overwhelming. I loved it so much to the point of this weird feeling of addiction, but I can’t really explain it. It was all so much and I said, “I have to wake up now, this is too much for my human heart!” and immediately woke up catching my breath. Days later, I finally learned there was a polyp in my uterus and endometriosis outside of it. It would all need to come out.

The weeks leading up to my surgery I was a mess. I was riddled with anxiety of death, infertility, and the potential of cancer. Surgery is traumatic for the body, even when you prepare it. How do I let my body know what we are doing is ok so that I don’t have to clear up even more imprints? I think the old guard would tell me, “Let go of the fear,” but I’m a still human having a very human experience, and if I am not aware of those feelings, my body can’t release them.  At the request of Dr. Karen, I was to find the moments of safety and start asking for protection of my ancestors before the procedure; so, I did.

I did another ritual to Isis, who is my go to. She embodies nurturing energy, strength, wisdom, the ever-evolving mother. I meditated every night and asked the ancestors to protect me and my son. I went to a sound meditation given by my friend Jen the night before the procedure I pulled 3 cards. One said, “You and your loved ones are protected.” The other, “You are love and miracles naturally happen.” And the Shark. She rang the Sacral and Solar Plexus bowls around me and I felt wrapped in their energy. I finally felt ready.

Before bed, my much younger half-sister randomly text me about my mother.  Some how we got on the topic of my own relationship to her. I started to tell her more details than I ever have. I felt some guilt, but I also realized that no one except the elders in our family know the truth. She responded:

“I’m in tears…..I really never knew that about you. Breaks my heart…I’ve always wanted to hear your story Thank you for letting me know. I’m so proud of you for turning out the way you did. And for raising the coolest, smartest kid, And I’m so sorry for everything you’ve gone through and I’m sorry for not making it any easier. Thank you so much for being a part of my life when you should’ve just abandoned ship. I love you.”

 I was in tears as well, but it was release. It was as if it was the last clearing I needed before going in.

I woke up from the procedure by 10 women saying my name. Whether they were nurses, or whoever, I honestly don’t know. What I will say is that I felt different. I immediately felt this huge radiation of love. It was so overwhelming I could barely contain the feeling. It felt like my cup was so full and I couldn’t catch my breath. I started to think of everyone I was grateful for and it was like the sun was shining through my being. It was awe-inspiring and tremendous. I knew that It was their way of letting me know that I was protected. The weight felt lifted, I felt a huge shift, and it finally felt like something huge was behind me. 

As I laid in bed over the next couple of days, I noticed I was writing, drawing, and feeling a strong urge to paint. I read books and opened up to friends. I feel so different! I then started to piece some things together: Gallbladder, Kidneys, Uterus- look into them. I did my best in the groggy and painful fog I was in and looked up these organ’s Chinese medicinal properties.

Kidneys: They’re the essence inherited from our parents- our strength, vitality, awareness, purpose- who we are and become lay here. If we want to circle this out- Zhi can be interpreted as the footprint to the heart. The spiritual name of the kidneys is Yuying, which literally means, “Rear a baby.” Weakness in the kidneys can be controlled by fears, getting stuck in various life situations (recall the anxiety attack), low self-esteem, insecurities, apathy, isolation, indifference. Indifference seems to be the personality trait most of my friends agree I carry when first meeting someone.

We talked about the Gall Bladder, but what I also learned was that in Chinese Medicine, they never remove the gallbladder, something my grandmother was so surprised I still had. She told me that everyone in our family had theirs removed. As painful was to have it, it kept telling me to dig and look into myself.   

Now the Uterus. The Uterus is in the Heart Line in Chinese medicine. Sadness over a long period of time cause Heart Yin deficiency. I had an issue with periods either being heavy or not coming at all, which correlates to agitation or mental stress in the Uterus. Digging further into this, I learned about womb trauma which goes back 3 generations on your maternal line. You spend 9 months (in my case, 10) receiving memory encoded on a cellular level. The uterus is the epicenter of where the universal connection of love is translated to a grounded, earthbound love. It is the center of consciousness that operates on a physical, mental, emotional, and energetic level. It’s the foundation of your personal power.

I checked with Susanna about my findings to make sure I’m not crazy. She pointed out that in Chinese medicine, The Uterus is a bag, it doesn’t really hold its own, “thing,” its more of like, a transfer center. I could barely contain myself. I told her that I had been constantly dreaming of being on airplanes, or trains, always transferring to the next ride. As if, I’m trying to get somewhere. I can’t thank her more for how she listened, gave advice, and helped me on my journey of healing. She changed the way I look at the body.

To sum this all up, this is what I figured out:

My best understanding of The Uterus is that it’s the home of creation. As a woman, it is our power center. It’s the center of knowledge, divine intuition, and universal love. In this bag, my doctor told me that I had a blockage (polyp) right at the entryway. Not allowing love coming in both as in sperm, nurturing, the ability to accept love and help. They also found another irritating the walls giving an egg the inability to attach. It was also enflamed, irritating surrounding organs, yup, you guessed it: the gallbladder and kidneys. What was already in there (inherited trauma) was affecting my ability to create, have stability, evolve, grow, held my resentment, anger, debilitated my own personal power, and disrupted the metabolic process to eliminate painful situations in life. The endometrial scar tissue that needed to be removed were the manifestation of painful memories and experiences that needed to be let go of.

I couldn’t create while dealing with both my own and inherited trauma. My creation line emotionally, spiritually, and physically blocked. Your energy has to align with where you are in your healing on a cellular level before anything can manifest or breakdown properly. 

I told my husband, crying, that I couldn’t believe that it’s over. I couldn’t believe that I fought and pushed and kept moving along this journey of healing no matter what was thrown in my way. I feel so much love and gratitude and yes, this could all be a coincidence, or maybe I just found the right doctor, but I know that’s not the case. This feeling, is so inexplicable. To have an unshaken trust bound to the universe and be shown how to do the work. All I want to do is help others do the same. All I want to do is show love and teach others how to tap in. I am beyond open and full of love and I want to share this with others. I feel a huge change and I am so ready for all that is to come. I’m humbled by spirit and the grace and protection it has shown me.

I’m thankful to Dr. Susanna for changing the way I look at pain in the body, to Dr. Karen for helping me process the trauma. I'm thankful to Claire for talking me through the issues with my doctor and giving me advice into who to see.  I feel so much gratitude to all of my friends who have listened and supported me on my journey, I could not love my husband more for listening to my seemingly crazy ramblings and always being my rock no matter what. But more than anything I am so grateful that I took the time to trust and be open to my intuition and to the spirits so that I could do this not only for myself, but for my children.

As the Universe does with every lesson, this couldn’t end without me having to see my mother a few days after surgery. My brother’s wedding was the same evening of our last full moon. I saw her and for the first time, wasn’t effected by her. I wasn’t scared, sad, or uncomfortable. In fact, I felt love and grace all around. Her energy is finally no longer attached to mine. That night during sleep, I felt a hot explosion of energy and light in my stomach and saw St. Rita. We spoke back and forth, but the only thing I can remember her saying was, “You did the work, so relax and leave the healing to me.”

I’m in a place of observation and recharging, like I just finished a mission. At 34, I close a chapter of who I was, but honor her tenacity. I’m basking in this explosive feeling until it’s time for me to gear up and to step into my next phase. 

 

Listen to your body and ask for help. Your body remembers and you don't have to heal on your own.

 

 

 


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